


Crash Into Me

by keihtkogane



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas and Dean are really the only characters, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Panic Attacks, everyone else just appears once or twice, mentions of abuse, slight angst I guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-07-14
Packaged: 2018-02-08 19:25:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1953195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keihtkogane/pseuds/keihtkogane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You really want to be my friend?”</p><p>Dean nodded, expression totally serious, “I do. But I already told you our names, what’s yours?” Dean asked, with a hopeful expression and a grin on his face.</p><p>“Castiel.”</p><p>“Cassiel?” Dean attempted, his face scrunched up in concentration.</p><p>Castiel shook his head and sighed, the other kids hardly ever got his name correct. “No. It’s with a T.”</p><p>Dean concentrated for a few seconds more, silently mouthing Castiel’s name as he attempted to say it correctly, “‘s too hard. Can I call you Cas?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crash Into Me

Dean was two months old when Mary Winchester passed Naomi Novak on the street. She stopped for precisely eleven and and a half minutes to gush over Naomi’s precious new baby boy, Castiel, who had only been born five days ago. Mary listened as Naomi went on and on about how Castiel would eventually become a very famous surgeon like his father, Zachariah Novak. Mary smiled sweetly as she listened to Naomi’s expectations, but her heart ached for the baby, he wasn’t even five days old, and already there was a mountain of things he was supposed to achieve by the time he was forty five. Mary looked down at the newborn and really studied him, Castiel had a thin dark hair on his head, and his eyes were already a piercing blue. Castiel’s eyes were like the most beautiful ocean on a clear day, while Dean’s were the grass on the warmest summer day. For a brief moment, green eyes met blue as Mary started to walk down the street towards Singer Salvage Yard where John Winchester was currently working.

 

~--~

 

Castiel was five years old. It was his first day of kindergarten and he fidgeted nervously on the hideous blue floral rug in the middle of the room with the other students. Ms. Braeden shushed everyone and proceeded to tell the class their activities for the day; arts and crafts, recess, lunch, and storytime. As the rest of the class excitedly hurried off to the tables in the back of the room and began coloring in the various animal worksheets Castiel stayed seated. He didn’t know anyone else in the class and had been told that talking to strangers isn’t acceptable. Ms. Braeden spotted the lonely blue-eyed boy and started to come over to him and provide some comfort, but spied a couple of kids headed over there already. She smiled to herself, sat down at her desk, and peered at the group of kids that were headed over to Castiel.

 

“Hey, kid! What’re you doing all alone over here? Ms. Braeden said we could color in the animals however we want to!”

 

Castiel looked up from where he was tracing the pattern of the rug with his fingertips and observed the boy in front of him. He was average sized for his age, with either blonde hair so dark it could almost be light brown, or light brown hair so light it could almost be dark blonde, “It’s my first day. I don’t know anyone,” he replied softly.

 

The kid then squatted down to Castiel’s height, “You mean you don’t have any friends here?”

 

Castiel shook his head solemnly and looked back down to the carpet.

 

“Well, now you do! I’m Dean Winchester. This is Jo Harvelle,” the kid- Dean- replied, pointing to a blonde, petite girl next to him, “This is Charlie Bradbury,” he pointed again to a red haired girl to his right. She had a smile so big and genuine Castiel forgot for a minute that he didn’t know these people, “And this, is Garth Fitzgerald,” Dean finished, pointing at a scrawny kid with a too-big shirt with a firetruck on it.

 

Castiel looked up at Dean (for he was still slightly taller than Castiel when he’s squatting next to him), in slight awe and replied, “You really want to be my friend?”

 

Dean nodded, expression totally serious, “I do. But I already told you our names, what’s yours?” Dean asked, with a hopeful expression and a grin on his face.

 

“Castiel.”

 

“Cassiel?” Dean attempted, his face scrunched up in concentration.

 

Castiel shook his head and sighed, the other kids hardly ever got his name correct. “No. It’s with a T.”

 

Dean concentrated for a few seconds more, silently mouthing Castiel’s name as he attempted to say it correctly, “‘s too hard. Can I call you Cas?”

 

Castiel nodded.

 

~--~

 

Dean was seven years old the first time he heard Castiel’s parents fighting in the kitchen. He and Cas had been playing with some new toys that Dean had brought over, but they had stopped abruptly when the shouting began. From what Dean could hear, it was something about cheating.

 

“Cas what do they mean by cheating? Were they playing a game?”

 

“I don’t know. Maybe they were playing Chutes and Ladders.”

 

Dean shrugged, and turned back to Castiel, “Do they yell a lot Cas?”

 

Castiel looks at Dean intently, then turns back to the game. “It’s your turn Dean.”

 

Dean hesitated for a moment, listened to the loud voices in the kitchen for a second more before he turned back to Cas. But as they sat down and continued the game Dean couldn’t help but wonder if Castiel was used to hearing screaming.

 

~--~

 

Castiel was thirteen years old when the screaming got too much, when the expectations got too much, when the voices in his head were constantly his mother’s yells or his father’s taunts. Castiel was thirteen years old when he had his first panic attack. He had just finished having a fight with his mother.

 

“What score did you get honey?” Naomi asked with a strained smile as Castiel walked in the door, just having come back from his second week of eighth grade.

 

“An A minus,” Castiel replied, setting his bag down on the kitchen table and venturing to the fridge for a snack.

 

“Excuse me? Did I hear that correctly? You got an A minus?”

 

Castiel tensed, “Yes.”

 

“That is not acceptable Castiel!” his mother yelled, “This is a family of surgeons! Doctors! Politicians! Important people Castiel, I will not have you spoiling it with your attitude and your un-acceptable grades! You fix this Castiel, or I will tell your father.”

 

Castiel nodded tensley, “Yes mother.”

 

He had ran back to his room as quick as possible and threw himself down on the bed, trying to control his erratic breathing. He thought of his mother’s words, how he was the failure, the burden, how he was never going to achieve anything. He thought of his father’s cruelness, the hits Castiel sometimes received from him, the ugly fights between his father and his mother. Castiel thought until it was nearly suffocating him, and he felt he couldn’t breathe. His eyes were blurred with tears, and he felt like he was drowning. He quickly got out his phone and did the only thing he could think of, he searched for quotes. Castiel found that reading quotes while he was having a panic attack calmed him, made it easier to breathe, made the tears stop falling, made his parents’ voices in his head go away.

 

Castiel had his first panic attack at thirteen, but the number only increased from there.

 

~--~

 

Dean was fourteen years old when he first saw Castiel have a panic attack. It was the second day of their first year of high school, and they had to get up in front of their entire class and say a little bit about themselves. Castiel was sitting next to him of course (they have barely been apart since kindergarten for crying out loud) but Dean noticed something was off. Castiel’s leg bounced quickly, and his breathing was slightly erratic.

 

Dean leaned over the small space between their desks and whispers, “Cas, you ok?”

 

Cas nodded, “Yes, Dean.” But he looked like he was about to burst into tears any second now.

 

Dean had studied Cas for a minute longer, and quietly thanked whoever the hell was listening that they were seated in the back of the room, closest to the door. Dean quickly pulled Castiel up by his arm and ushered him through the door, made a vague motion like he was about to puke to the teacher, and pointed at Castiel. The teacher nodded, seemed to understand, and Dean quickly shut the door and ushered Cas into an empty classroom.

 

“Cas?”

 

Castiel had looked very pale at that point, and he had been shaking slightly.

 

“Dean, do you know what a panic attack is?” Castiel asked in a small voice, and leaned over one of the tables so his head was hanging down.

 

“Yep. Why does- oh. Cas, do you have anxiety?”

 

Cas nodded.

 

Dean finally understood. Understood why sometimes Cas didn’t want to go out with a large group of people, why sometimes seemingly little things seemed to set him off, why sometimes when they’d talk at night Cas would sound like he had been crying.

 

“What do you need me to do Cas? What helps you through these?” Dean asked while walking closer to Cas, but he made sure not to touch him because he remembered reading somewhere that that might do more harm than good to certain people.

 

Cas had breathed heavily a few more times before replying. “It’s going to sound stupid.”

 

Dean shook his head and stepped one step closer, “No it won’t. I just want to help you Cas.”

 

“I have a bunch of quotes in my phone. Will you- can you read them to me?”

 

Dean smiled, “‘Course Cas,” and picked up the phone. He quickly found the note that contained all of Cas’ quotes and began reading the first one he saw out loud,

 

“Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence means accepting the risk of absence.”

 

Dean noticed that Castiel’s breath had slowed some, but then Cas gasped out, “More please.”

 

Dean quickly found another that seemed nice and read it to Cas in a soothing voice,

 

“The moment you realize that your bones are made of the same dust as the planets, your lungs are breathing the same air as the migrating butterflies, and your blood is pumping because of the love and care of thousands; is when you realize that you’re not as broken as you think you are. You are full of the world.”

 

Dean had quickly glanced at Castiel, found that he was still on the brink of a panic attack, and chose another quote to read.

 

“Fear isn’t so difficult to understand. After all, weren’t we frightened as children? Nothing has changed since Little Red Riding Hood faced the big bad wolf. What frightens us today is exactly the same sort of thing that frightened us yesterday. It’s just a different wolf.”

 

“Dean,” Castiel mumbled from his resting place on the desk, “Thank you.”

 

Dean smiled sadly, walked over to Cas, and hugged him tight. “Anytime.”

 

~--~

 

Castiel was fifteen when he realized he didn’t want to be a surgeon. Sure, he had already known really, but at fifteen he knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to become an astronomer. Cas wanted to study the stars, wanted to learn their secrets, wanted to watch Supernovas explode, wanted to learn more about black holes.

 

The stars had always fascinated Castiel. When he was six he vaguely remembers telling Dean that one day he was going to visit them. When he was eight, he bought a bunch of the glow in the dark ones from a local souvenir shop and placed them on the ceiling above his bed. When he was thirteen, he found quotes about stars to help him through panic attacks. At fifteen he wanted to learn everything about them.

 

When Castiel casually mentioned this to his father one evening all hell broke loose. There were screams about how useless of a son Castiel was, and how everything would be torn apart because of him. Several plates were broken in between the screams, and Castiel eventually wound up with a split lip.

 

When the fight was finally over Castiel had fixed up his lip and ran to his bedroom. Once inside and seated safely on his bed he dialed Dean’s number, which became routine for him when he was going to have a panic attack since that day in ninth grade when Dean found out that he had them. The phone had only rang three times before Dean’s voice rang through Castiel’s ears, “Hey Cas.”

 

The first tears had rolled down Castiel’s cheeks and onto his still-bleeding lip, but he managed to whisper, “Dean, I feel like i’m breaking.”

 

The next morning Castiel had woken to a text from Dean which simply read,

 

“Saw this quote after we hung up last night. Thought of you. Hope youre feeling better...see u at school :)

 

‘For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen. A gaseous nebula must collapse.

So collapse.

Crumble.

This is not your destruction.

This is your birth.’”

 

Castiel read and re-read that text seven times, before he had realized two things. One: that was his new favorite quote. Two: Castiel was in love with his best friend.

 

~--~

 

Dean was sixteen when he realized he was in love with Cas. Sure, he had always really known, but had repressed the feeling. That was Cas he was talking about. His best friend. Who he would do anything for. Who deserved the world. Who did not deserve the shitty family that was handed to him. But, as Dean and Cas hung up the various quotes on Castiel’s new bulletin board that he had deemed the “Quote Board”, there was a moment when Dean’s green eyes met Castiel’s piercing blue ones that he realized he was totally gone on his best friend. Which,  _fuck_. What if Cas didn’t love him back? What if he ruined everything? He couldn’t lose Cas, no way. He-

 

“Dean? Hello? Earth to Dean.”

 

Dean snapped out of his trance to see that Castiel had been waving a hand in front of his face. He quickly cleared his throat, “Yeah, sorry Cas. Just thinkin’. Wassup?”

 

Cas had smirked and turned back to the quote board, “I asked what was your favorite.”

 

“Quote?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“That one,” Dean replied, pointing to the one in the bottom left corner. It read,

 

“Be soft, do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”

 

Cas smiled, “Other than the one you texted me last year, this one’s mine.” He pointed to one three spaces up from Deans. It read,

 

“I thought that I had kind of beaten my issues, but when you struggle with depression or anxiety or anything else, you never really win. You always carry it with you and the point, I learned, isn’t to win. The point is to keep fighting. It turned out that “I’m not sad anymore” wasn’t a victory speech. It was a battle cry.”

 

And as Dean watched Castiel’s face as he read the quote over and over again, he finally stopped repressing his feelings and admitted to himself, yes, he was in love with Cas.

 

~--~

 

Castiel was eighteen. He had been seated on his bed next to Dean, and they had attempted to do their last science homework of the year.

 

“This is so stupid Cas. We graduate in three days, who the fuck is going to find time to grade this shit?”

 

Cas had chuckled slightly and thumped Dean on the head with this pencil, and continued to work on his science. But then, he started thinking. There were so many things that could go wrong before graduation, hell, so many things that could go wrong on graduation day. What if he didn’t graduate? What if he’d be stuck in this house with his parents forever and-

 

“Cas? Man, look at me! You look like you’re going to have a panic attack. What’s up?” Dean was in Cas’ personal space, and had looked very concerned.

 

“It’s nothing Dean.”

 

Dean had sighed, “No, Cas. Don’t hide from me. What’s wrong?”

 

Cas looked into Dean’s eyes for a moment longer before he closed his eyes and breathed out slowly, “What if I don’t graduate Dean? I can’t be stuck here forever with my parents, I can’t. I-”

 

Cas was cut off when he felt the slight pressure of lips pressed against his. His eyes had shot open and found Dean, who had pulled back slightly, staring right back.

 

“I won’t let that happen, Cas. You will graduate. You are the smartest person in our grade, you deserve so many things. I’ll drag you with me if I have to but I won’t let you stay here with them, Cas. I promise.”

 

Castiel would never admit it, but he had made a weird whining sound and pulled Dean closer again, kissing him again and again and again. They had been starved of this, and they were kissing like they were dying for it. Eventually, when the sun went down and it was in the early hours of the morning, Dean pulled Cas to him and whispered, “We should’ve done this years ago.”

Cas had grinned and snuggled closer to Dean (which was nearly impossible), “Yes, we should have.”

 

~--~

 

Dean was twenty three and stood on the bleachers outside of their university (well technically then it wasn’t really theirs anymore because Cas was graduating that day with a degree in Astronomy and Dean had graduated the year before with a degree in Engineering), he caught sight of Cas walking up the stage to accept his diploma.

 

They had been dating for almost five years now. Of course they had had their fights, every couple did. But they had made it to this day. It had been five years of telling Cas he made the right decision not to follow in his parents footsteps. Five years of kisses and cuddles, five years that had been the best five years of Dean’s life (so far), and he wouldn’t have traded it for anything.

 

So Dean screamed the loudest as Cas had accepted his diploma, and after the ceremony he had kissed him so fiercely they almost fell over with the sheer force of it. “Congrats, baby.”

 

Cas had smiled his rare smile, the one where it was all teeth and gums and slight crinkles by his eyes. Dean grinned back and gave Cas one last lingering kiss, and as they walked into the parking lot to go back to the ratty apartment that they had rented in their second year of university Cas whispered, “Thank you Dean.”

 

~--~

 

Castiel was twenty four. He and Dean moved back to Lawrence after finishing university and making sure Cas’ parents were long gone (they had moved to New York City the previous fall). Cas had started his job as a new teacher at the high school, teaching Astronomy as an elective. He hadn’t had a panic attack in two years and was happy, which was something he never would have expected. He had expected to end up alone and sad, but he had Dean, and that was more than he could have ever asked for. So, after a long Saturday of playing video games with Jo (who they had stayed best friends with over the years) and Sam, Castiel and Dean were laying on the couch, cuddled up together. Castiel was thinking that he was probably the most comfortable he had ever been when Dean started fidgeting.

 

“Dean? Baby, what’s wrong?” Cas had asked, tilting his head forward so that he could see Dean’s face. He had looked nervous as hell.

 

“Cas I- you know that I love you right?”

 

Cas had swallowed heavily, he knew what was coming, it was the breakup speech. “Yes.”

 

“So I was kinda thinkin’...I love you, more than I have ever loved anyone else really. And I was wondering Cas,” Dean said as he pulled out a ring. It was silver and ridged in the middle. It was not exactly thin, but not thick either, “Will you marry me Cas?”

 

Cas had to take several deep breaths before replying, “Dean, _yes_ ” and kissing him with passion.

 

They had kissed for what felt like hours, but might only have been minutes,  before they broke apart so Dean could grin and say, “Let me put this on you then, dumbass.”

 

Cas grinned as Dean had slid the ring on his finger, and watched it gleam in the moonlight coming from the window across from them.

 

~--~ 

  
  


Dean was twenty five. He and Cas were at their wedding ceremony, and surrounded by the people they love. When it came time to read their vows, Dean went first.

 

“Cas, when I first laid eyes on you in kindergarten, all I could think was, “Dude, I’ve got to be his friend”. You have been my best friend since then, and you always will be. I will always be there, whatever you need. In the same way that you have always been there for me. I’m so proud of you Cas, truly, I am. Because I know that you’ve been through so much. I love you so much, and there is no one in this world that i’d rather spend my life with. I found this quote the other day, and it made me think of you. So Cas,

 

‘I’d choose you. In a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you, and I’d choose you.’”

 

When Cas had composed himself enough to read his own vows, his voice shook with emotion at every word.

 

“Dean. I honestly am not sure where I could even start. You have helped me through so many things. More than you will ever know I’m sure. So thank you, so much, for everything you have given me. You have given me confidence, happiness, strength, and now you’re giving me forever. So thank you, Dean. Thank you for letting me be the person I wanted, and loving me anyway. Thank you for being there through thick and thin. Thank you, for not only being my boyfriend and fiancé, but for being my best friend. Thank you for talking to me that first day of kindergarten, and thank you for being here now. I love you, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. And funny enough,” Cas smiled brightly, “We chose the same quote. So Dean,

 

‘I’d choose you. In a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you, and I’d choose you.'"

 

When they had both stopped crying enough to actually say their I do’s and seal it with a kiss, the crowd was cheering so loud you’d think their favorite team just won the Superbowl. And I guess, in a way, they did.

 

~--~

 

Castiel and Dean are both now thirty one and staring into the eyes of their newborn baby girl (via surrogate, Jo Harvelle).

 

“Cas,” Dean sniffles, kissing their babies head and then Cas’, “We have a baby.”

 

Cas smiles that toothy and gummy smile at Dean, and looks down at their baby, “Welcome to our family Anslee.”

 

**fin**

**Author's Note:**

> This turned out to be a lot longer than I expected...oops! But I hope you guys like it :)
> 
> Now, for the quotes:
> 
> The first quote Dean reads Cas when they're in the classroom is from The Little Prince. The third is by Alfred Hitchcock. 
> 
> Dean's favorite quote is by Kurt Vonnegut, and Cas' is by Dan Campbell.
> 
> Dean and Cas' wedding quote is by Kiersten White.
> 
> I couldn't find the authors for the second quote Dean reads Cas when they're in the classroom, or the quote that Dean texts Cas, but please let me know if you find the authors and i'll be happy to include them in this little list!
> 
> Again, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed the story!
> 
> PS, Let's just pretend same-sex marriage is legal in Kansas, ok? :)
> 
> Come find me on tumblr @foxdreil!


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